Review of Classic Horror Collection: The Monster / Hands Of The Ripper / The Uncanny

Introduction

Carlton`s Classic Horror Collection. A collection of classic horror, obviously. In this boxset you get not one, not two, but three classic horror movies. The Monster, Hands of the Ripper and The Uncanny. I got The Monster, a film made in the mid 70s starring Ralph Bates, Joan Collins and featuring Donald Pleasance. I`ve never even heard of this title, so when Joan "Alexis Carrington" Collins showed her face on the menus, I knew I was in for a spot of trouble.

The Monster is tale of a baby that doesn`t want to be born. Joan Collins plays Lucy Carlesi, a former stripper/dancer who used to perform with Hercules (George Claydon), a dwarf, as part of a club act. One night backstage Hercules makes an advance towards Lucy and she refuses but can`t seem to shake him off. Tommy (John Steiner) the seedy nightclub owner comes to her aide and boots the poison dwarf out of her dressing room before getting busy with her himself. Upon leaving the club later that night, Hercules casts an evil spell on Lucy,

"You will have a baby, an evil monster conceived in your womb. As big as I am small and possessed by the Devil himself!"

So, fast forward to sometime later and come time to give birth, her child is reluctant to leave her womb and meet the real world. When he does finally pop his head out, he turns out to be more than a handful. He claws at visitors, causes untold damage and he misbehaves a lot. Could he be possessed? It seems quite likely since he doesn`t like the baptism or Lucy`s sister-in-law, Sister Albana (Eileen Atkins), a nun who arrives to stay. Then there`s the disappearance of Lucy`s Italian husband Gino Carlesi (Ralph Bates). Just what the hell is going on? What`s up with the baby, and where will this all end?

Video

The Monster is presented with an average 1.85:1 anamorphic video transfer. On the whole the look accurately reflects 1970s London. Down to the Capri`s, mark I&II Cortina`s and the fashion of the day. This looks like a 27 year old film with a fair sprinking of dirt in place. Colours and detailing aren`t too badly reproduced but I think cleaning it up would have made a difference, perhaps making the film more bearable.

Audio

There`s a Dolby Digital 2.0 English soundtrack and this is perfectly adequate. The dialogue is mostly clear though the subtitles did help. There`s not a lot of hiss and crackle either, just a competant soundtrack. Not much to really add to this.

Features

There`s only Scene Selection and Subtitles. These hardly count as extras, so I`ll rate it as such. A big fat zero.

Conclusion

Rank! No, not just a harsh judgement of the film, but the Rank Film Organisation. It`s responsible for making this film in the first place. The opening scene of Joan Collins screaming on a hospital bed trying in vain to give birth to a 12lb baby that just doesn`t want to know is a sure fire way to hold ones attention. After all, babies are sweet bundles of innocence and joy, right?

I think horror movies have degenerated into quite a laughable mess these days. There are a few genuinely frightening films made by Hammer in the 60s but not a lot. Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee are the ones responsible for scaring me as a child. Staying up late with the volume low so as not to wake my parents was a big deal for me and playground talk, so scary movies from Hammer`s golden era of the 60s and 70s have a special place in fond memory for me.

The Monster is not something I was fond of watching in 2002. The film is terrible, period. One can easily see the influence of Polanski`s Rosemary`s Baby or The Omen, sadly however the elements that make these films more satisfying is not present here in this film. Demonic possession, while a frightening prospect, is farcical here. I`d shake my head in disbelief as from the baby`s point-of-view we see yet another chubby fist pushing someone, or clawing at something. Come on, not the chubby fist. Talk about rubbish. Nothing in this film elevates the poor effects above the crap story. It`s clearly cashing in on the 70s horror scene.

The tale of a baby possessed is an interesting concept but I think The Omen has covered quite a bit of that ground already. For example, in The Monster, there`s no background to the dwarf`s skill in casting evil. And what`s up with Lucy`s sister-in-law nun and how come she`s got the skill to perform an exorcism? Some things just don`t add up and make the film all the more ridiculous. I`m all for a bit of suspension of disbelief, but that opening shot of Joan Collins screaming didn`t help the illusion. What about psychological horror, is there any of that here? Nope. All the horror elements are ham fisted and cobbled from a variety of sources. The Exorcist did it better. The Omen did it better too. The Monster simply hasn`t got a clue. I tell a lie, there is one scary element. John Claydon as Hercules the dwarf, dressed in his jokers outfit wearing a menacing scowl and shaking his stick scared me a bit.

Cast wise, Ralph Bates hasn`t done anything matching his superior performance as John Lacey in John Sullivan`s excellent Dear John sitcom, so to see him here - and some other horror movies - is cringe worthy. I save this moment also for anything with Joan Collins, major cringe time. As for Donald Pleasance, as nice as it is to see him, he merely has a cameo spot and is wasted in such a dire film. Even Floella Benjamin plays a small part! If you want hammy performances, you`ve come to the right place. If you want a poor story, you can pick that up here too.

This is not a collection to watch, let alone own. Do yourself a favour and stay away. Stay far away!!