Review for Robo-Geisha

Introduction

I've been trying to come up with an appropriate introduction to Robo-Geisha, but I've drawn a blank, my usual tendency to verbiage no use at this point. It's just that Robo-Geisha is one of those films that defy explanation. It's just too nutty beyond words. I'm still not all too sure about what I watched last night, but if the phrase 'Breast Milk From Hell!' intrigues you, then read on…


Yoshie and Kikuyakko are sisters who have looked out for each other ever since their parents died. Well, Yoshie has been picked on by her older sister ever since they've been in geisha school, with the arrogant Kikuyakko feeling held back by her clumsy sister, and telling Yoshie that she will never be a geisha and that she should get used to cooking and cleaning. That all changes when a businessman named Hikaru Kageno encounters them, and expresses an interest in Yoshie, seeing something in her that no one else does. When he invites them both to dinner, it's an introduction to a nightmare world, as Kageno Steel's area of expertise is making secret weapons, and they have been creating the ultimate geisha assassins behind closed doors. Hikaru believes that Yoshie is perfect for the part, and his recruitment pitch involves pitting sister against sister in a lethal battle to the death. Surprisingly, both sisters survive to become assassins, and they are soon getting cybernetic upgrades to help them in their missions. But when Yoshie is ordered to kill a seemingly harmless bunch of pensioners, she begins questioning her purpose, and soon finds herself standing against Kageno Steel and her sister. But Hikaru Kageno has a more insidious plan in the works.

The Disc

The 1.85:1 anamorphic native PAL transfer is clear and sharp throughout, no problems with a recent film, and detail levels are acceptable. The CGI and special effects are cheap and cheerful, and you'll definitely see the seams. You only get a DD 2.0 Japanese stereo track here. If you want more, you'll have to get the Blu-ray disc, released on the same day as the DVD. The dialogue is clear and the subtitles are accurately timed and free of typos. The annoyance is that they are player forced subtitles, and you can't turn them off. The only extras on the disc are the trailer for Robo-Geisha, and 11 trailers for other Cine Asia product.

Conclusion

I was too sober to watch this film. This is a film that you have to be comfortably drunk to watch and appreciate. Not too drunk that you risk damage to your DVD player by trying to insert a can of lager where the disc should go, but drunk enough that you think that a kebab is a good idea, and the peak of human achievement in the culinary arts. You also need to maintain that level of drunkenness through the film's mercifully short runtime to get the full effect. In other words, this is perfect post-pub entertainment, best shared with a couple of mates. It's the sort of movie that you would see featured on Japanorama, loved to bits by Jonathan Ross.


The story… well it's not too advisable to think about the story that deeply, it's not all that internally consistent anyway, beginning with a scene where our heroine saves a politician from assassination by a couple of cybernetic goblin girls, which leads into a flashback narration of her story. Except that initial scene doesn't even fit in the story that unfolds. The emotional content revolves around the antagonistic love between two sisters. The narrative follows an evil industrialist who is trying to reshape the world to his liking using cybernetic geisha assassins, but the reason you'll be watching this film is for the blades coming out of various body parts, arms, armpits, butts; you'll be watching it for the acidic breast milk from hell; you'll be watching it for the shurikens flying out of backsides, the girl who turns into a tank, the machine gun boobies, the castle that turns into a giant walking robot, and all the weird and wonderful action and fight sequences that a warped imagination can conjure up. This isn't the sort of movie where you have to worry about the story, or look for deep acting, although notable character actor Naota Takenaka has a role in this film as an addled old man who only makes sense when he's talking rebellion and conspiracy.


Provided you have the correct level of intoxication (or are around fifteen years old), this film is probably the best thing ever. It's absolutely daft and twisted, with plenty of over the top violence and cheap and cheerful gory effects. Unfortunately, I watched it with my faculties intact, and there's only so much silliness a sober man can take at two in the morning. My eyelids were drooping before the end credits, and I had to skip back a couple of times because I had snoozed through a bit. 6/10 is the score of a sober, tired, humourless puritan. The higher your blood alcohol level, the closer the grade gets to a ten.