Page 1 of Words of advice and thoughts (and support?)

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Words of advice and thoughts (and support?)

Gavski (Elite) posted this on Saturday, 29th August 2015, 11:51

So when I came back here I touched on how things weren't too great in the Gav household. 

Over the last couple of years I have left my job and started a new career, had a marriage breakdown just a few months after birth of daughter and with the new career path now comes a few months of no work.

Anyway - I wanted to find out thought and encouragement on one topic in particular. I'll try to keep it short.

So since we split up I have always seen our daughter, mostly weekends with new job and holiday time. She's now almost 3 and a half. My wife and I have been getting on well, hanging out and having family days still. My parents look after my daughter at least three nights a week due to both our jobs.
In the last few months my wife has found herself a boyfriend, from work. (a superior officer) She kept this from me for a long time (even though we always agreed we'd tell each other if we met someone or they met the baby) So since then she has come to me crying about her boyfriend and when the split and then got back together. That's really hard, as you guys can appreciate. But I do it (did it) mainly for our relationship and quality time with my daughter.

Now exactly one month ago today (hence me writing) was the last time I saw my daughter. My wife decided all of a sudden that she didn't want me to see her any more and said that I could do nothing about it. She went to my parents house and told them they could no longer see her either unless they stop speaking to me. She won't speak to me and won't let me write or speak to my daughter. I have a solicitor and we are working on getting this to court as soon as possible.

There has been no change (bar me not having work right now) She's filed for divorce (although just a few weeks ago she told me she wasn't bothered about a divorce and that it would happen when it happens) 

So here I am stuck. What I hate is that all of a sudden I have no rights to see my daughter and have been threatened with arrest if I try and see her. (she's in the police if you may remember) She has told me she is taking out an anti-molestation order against me so I can't phone or write or turn up (although the solicitor has said these don't exist and has no idea where my wife has got this information from)

I know at the end of the day I will get to see my daughter and will have have contact. But in all this no one is willing to help. There are hoops to jump through and that's what I must do.

I'm concerned about what possibly my daughter has been told as to why I have suddenly disappeared (and her grandparents).

A letter has been sent by my solicitor to her to tell her this is out of order but she has ignored it.

I need a few words here as i'm pulling my hair out and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thoughts appreciated. 

I know when writing this out it seems so ridiculous!

Gav


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RE: Words of advice and thoughts (and support?)

admars (Elite) posted this on Saturday, 29th August 2015, 12:26

damn, that's a sad story, so sorry to hear about the tough time you're having :(

I can't really offer much advice, apart from I have a few friends with similar stories to yours, one the wife left him for another bloke, and took the 2 children to the other end of the country to be with her new bloke.

However, I'm glad to say in all cases, my mates, the fathers, after going through hell, have really good relationships with the children.

One of them, his ex,  did seem to be trying to poison the 2 children's minds against him, but he didn't play that game, and just kept things civil, and things are good, the son and daughter now make their own way to see him by choice on the train when they want to.

so I guess it's a cliche, stay strong, do the right thing, keep calm and things will sort themselves out in the wash. Sadly going through a solicitor is your best plan, just in case things get aout of hand, words get said etc :(


good luck

RE: Words of advice and thoughts (and support?)

Gareth Williams (Elite) posted this on Saturday, 29th August 2015, 12:31

From the sounds of it, your wife is mentally unbalanced bordering on psychotic. You should be snatching those divorce papers from her hands and feverishly scribbling your name all over them.

She is clearly in the wrong on a number of counts (illegally keeping you from your children? exerting her influence with the police to threaten you? anti-molestation order? lolwut?). As much as the courts tend to unfairly favour the mother in such situations, I can't imagine she would get a free pass on all of this.

You don't need anybody else's help other than your solicitor. This is a legal matter, so just keep jumping through those hoops like a boss!



RE: Words of advice and thoughts (and support?)

Si Wooldridge (Reviewer) posted this on Saturday, 29th August 2015, 15:12

Quote:
Gareth Williams says...
"From the sounds of it, your wife is mentally unbalanced bordering on psychotic. "

I suspect not.  I would bet on outside influences.  

---------

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Reviewer

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RE: Words of advice and thoughts (and support?)

mbilko (Elite) posted this on Saturday, 29th August 2015, 15:28

Si that was my immediate thought....looking at that to me i am guessing that the boyfriend has a lot to do with this.....even to the scary possibility that he is coercing her into keeping the relationship going and threatening her or you if you stay in her and the childs life....I could be 100% wrong but seems like your wife has gone from reasonable woman wanting the best for you and your child to one who has gone a bit radio rental......Dont know exactly how to advise you....i would think a quiet word with a good mate of hers possibly to see how she sees her now?

good luck though :(

RE: Words of advice and thoughts (and support?)

bandicoot (Elite) posted this on Saturday, 29th August 2015, 16:14

Its sad days with modern people where relationships are just far to flimsy.

In my day (sound really old ands sexcist now), a man was the breadwinner and the wife reared the children, and both new their place in society.

There was very little of this 'one partner running off for one reason or another', leaving their children in a mess.

Partners must iron out any difficulties and stick together if they love each other, or even for the sake of the children. Nowadays the first sign of trouble and their offski, there seems to be no loyalty. I feel sorry for the younger generation due to this.

My wife and I have been together now for 35 years, and could never see us parting, except through death, or one of us going back to Australia  

(OK.....She can come if she wants )

RE: Words of advice and thoughts (and support?)

enemyonpc (Elite) posted this on Saturday, 29th August 2015, 17:54

I feel for you Gav, my cousin went through a very similar thing and it was horrendous for him. Things are better now but it took along time, his ex was scum and now the kids are at an age to see it he has full custody.

My only advice would be keep well away from her from now on. She's already shown that you can't trust her. Keep going ahead through the courts and let them set the rules of contact. You should be awarded joint access and she can never take that away from you.

Good luck

This item was edited on Saturday, 29th August 2015, 18:57

RE: Words of advice and thoughts (and support?)

RJS (undefined) posted this on Saturday, 29th August 2015, 21:08

Quote:
enemyonpc says...
"My only advice would be keep well away from her from now on. She's already shown that you can't trust her. Keep going ahead through the courts and let them set the rules of contact. You should be awarded joint access and she can never take that away from you."

I think this is the best advice, any contact outside of your solicitor could be twisted and used against you. Especially if she is being influenced by her boyfriend or family.

Can't imagine how hard it is to be kept from your kids, especially when you've tried so hard to do the right thing by them and your wife.

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RE: Words of advice and thoughts (and support?)

Gavski (Elite) posted this on Sunday, 30th August 2015, 10:54

Thank you guys - these words are exactly what I need.
Whilst you aren't completely neutral (as it's just my side you're hearing) it's good to hear that I am doing the right thing and she is unhinged and unjustified!

Some points for you (and I) to consider as the weeks drag on and court seems inevitable. 

- She doesn't really have any family, her brother and his wife (quite a violent and temperamental guy) haven't really had much input over the last two years, they haven't even babysat in that time and my wife is quite scared of her brother - but amazingly they have appeared at out of nowhere in the last month and I would expect are egging her on.

- If the divorce goes through in the next few weeks we would have been married 12 years, and together for 19. So no fly by relationship unfortunately, hence why it's so difficult to walk away.

- Funnily you should say boarding on being chicken oriental, as I have suspected for some time (even when together) that she may well be bi-polar.

- I think this will end up in court and I can't see how she can justify to herself the impending costs (to us both) we are looking at a combined bill of possibly £6000 - £8000 depending on how long it drags on. All of this money would place us far better to look after our daughter.

- From court CAFCASS will be involved, an outside agency to assess the family situation and way to divide up the time. (she would hate this as its other people and since we split could often be found watching out her window "in case social services were watching her, down to asking me over and pointing out an old man sat in his car reading a newspaper down the road from her house) 

- Which way do I take this from court? Do I smile sweetly and hope the judge is kind, or do I go all out and reveal her to be a depressed, violent, reactive girl she is? She had an affair a few years ago with another officer just 3 years after we were married. I have information that would easily lose a very senior officer his job and she would be in a lot of trouble and shunned by colleagues and friends. I'm not that kind of bloke, but some days I wake up and feel I should call the PCC or The Sun!

- A mutual friend (more hers than mine really) emailed me last week to see if everything was OK as she hasn't heard from my wife for this whole time (neither apparently has another friend) So I called her and explained what had happened, she was horrified and agreed to go around to her house to find out why she was doing this. The next day I spoke with the friend who has said that she doesn't want to get involved and be in the middle of this all, so god knows what she has been told? But then said, let this run its course, you will get to see your daughter soon and be a great dad again.

- Final point, currently she is taking "extended leave" from work until this is "sorted" so is at home all week with my daughter and her boyfriend. I know she has told one friend that she has "been left with 100% of the childcare now" so can't go to work. All from her choosing!!

Ideally, yes, I'd like joint custody - I just want things to go back to "normal" where my wife could go to work and have a social life, my parents would have my daughter for a few days a week, and she has increased time at nursery, I get a well paid job and be back every weekend and holidays. The sad thing is I know that I will see my daughter again, I know I will have contact but now my relationship with my wife is ruined, her relationship with my family is ruined - no more holidays, Christmas or days out. What happens when her boyfriend leaves her again or her brother disappears again? My mum and dad certainly want to never see her again or have her in the house.

I'm so frustrated! Sorry for another ramble!

Your kind words mean a lot and are helping push me through this.

G



I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which i`m dying are the best i`ve ever had.

RE: Words of advice and thoughts (and support?)

mbilko (Elite) posted this on Sunday, 30th August 2015, 14:51

Well regarding you having info that would hurt her....and this is only my opinion (i have no kids) I would imagine if someone tried to take mine from me then all bets would be off and I would use everything in my power to get them back.

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