Page 1 of A wee bit of advice needed folks

General Forum

A wee bit of advice needed folks

Choagy (Elite) posted this on Wednesday, 28th January 2015, 21:07

In December our laddie and his partner split up. The only sad aspect for me is that there are three lovely bairns involved.
TBH I am glad he is out of it , I prefer not go in to detail and I hope you all understand . Both our hearts break for the bairns as does our lassies, after all her bairn, 4 year old, loves her cousins and gets upset when they are forced to ignore her.
Both my good lady and I , along with our daughter, are desperate to speak to the bairns but they are being used as a weapon by their mum. Yes it is only six weeks since the brown stuff hit the fan but is this a normal thing. Normal as in deliberately hurting the whole family of the partner who has left who are completely innocent .
Anywhoo folks, sorry for the bit of a downer but as I posted, our hearts are breaking at being unable to see and speak to the weans and let them know we all still love them . As above, is this quite common and any idea how long it usually takes for the scheitte to die down.

Ian :)

This item was edited on Wednesday, 28th January 2015, 21:53

RE: A wee bit of advice needed folks

admars (Elite) posted this on Wednesday, 28th January 2015, 21:43

sorry to hear about that, not been through it myself but sadly have a few close friends who have :(

One of  my friends found out that their mums slagging off dad behind his back wasn't such a bright idea, when as the kids got older they saw how unneccesarily mean mum was to dad :(

It was especially bad for one as his ex moved to other end of country and took son and daughter with her to move in with new fella she met on internet :( That must have been about 10 years ago? The son wanted to come and live with my mate when he was old enough to but couldn't/didn't want to leave his little sis with their mum.

anyway, usual every other weekend visits, for my mate which was a pain as he had to drive there Sat morning, get them, bring them back, then drive them "home" Sunday morning :(

anyway, that was years ago, I never talk to him about hsi ex, he's moved on, has a really nice partner, they have a child together, saw my mate the other weekend, and his "kids" were visiting, one is 18, the other 16, the still with their mum, but can get the train to visit now, and I'm please to say they've turned out really well, are really nice "kids" :)

Visiting weekends he'd often take them to see his parents, in fact he had to move in with his parents for a while after the split, so they saw their grandparents as often as him.

but yeh, it was difficult at first, phonecalls were odd as she wouldn't let them speak to him without her being around in case he "poisoned their minds" against him!

Obviously I only have his side of events ;)

the other close friend is interesting, he doesn't speak to son's mum much, but gets on well with her parents, who ended up looking after child mostly anyway,so that was a problem. again he's all gron up now, 18 or so, and is a really nice "kid".

So, no real help there, but all you can really do is be supportive, don't be mean about mum when speaking to them, and I hope the kids get through this and the mum sorts herself out and realises using them doesn't help anyone :(

I'll ask my mates how long it took things to settle down.

good luck


RE: A wee bit of advice needed folks

Choagy (Elite) posted this on Wednesday, 28th January 2015, 21:51

Cheers mate. In all honesty we are finding it extremely difficult at the moment .  We can understand that people lash out at everyone at times but we cannot fathom why we seem to be fair game and deserve this type of treatment. TBH I am not a very emotional bloke, years in the Army killed that off , but where our grand kids are concerned I am a big softy. I guess I just need to grow a pair, give it time and see how things go. That said the thought of our lassies bairns eyes welling up when she is ignored by her cousins cuts me to the quick.
Ta anywhoo mate
Ian

This item was edited on Wednesday, 28th January 2015, 22:20

RE: A wee bit of advice needed folks

Si Wooldridge (Reviewer) posted this on Wednesday, 28th January 2015, 21:56

This appears to be the normal run of things for a lot of relationship breakdowns, but don't give up hope.  Have you tried talking to the mother?

Quote:
Choagy says...
"deliberately hurting the whole family of the partner who has left who are completely innocent ."

Not an attempt at criticism here, but how have you been with the mother throughout this split?  I appreciate that you don't want (or need) to go into detail but it can be the attitude of parents towards their child's partner during this time that can influence him/her against them in the short or long term.

---------

Si Wooldridge
Reviewer

http://synth.myreviewer.com

RE: A wee bit of advice needed folks

Choagy (Elite) posted this on Wednesday, 28th January 2015, 22:07

The day after the split I went around and spent a fair time speaking to her, giving her cuddles and telling her we still care for her and the bairns and that we will always be there for them no matter what. I spent about three hours on the phone on Christmas night, between 00:30 to 03:30 trying to calm her down. In any world I would think that could only be seen as the "Right thing to do" and certainly did not expect us to be a focus for her hatred. Tried our best at all times yet still apparently the ogres. I have spoken , on a number of occasions, to her dad. We at least are being as friendly as can be expected and also trying to be practical and logical and have no animosity towards each other. We even mentioned to her dad that we are really unsure as to whether we should speak to them if we meet his lassie and the bairns in a supermarket for example. What a phuqen life eh

Ian

This item was edited on Wednesday, 28th January 2015, 22:09

RE: A wee bit of advice needed folks

Si Wooldridge (Reviewer) posted this on Thursday, 29th January 2015, 08:04

Sounds like you've definitely done the right thing here...

---------

Si Wooldridge
Reviewer

http://synth.myreviewer.com

RE: A wee bit of advice needed folks

admars (Elite) posted this on Thursday, 29th January 2015, 12:25

You seem to have gone "above and beyond" to me.

I would say, if you do see them out and about, then yes, be civil, say hello, if she ignores you then there's not much you can do, just leave at that and hope with time she'll see sense.

I'm not saying it's the same, it's not, but my missus moans about my parents to other mums etc, and is sometimes horrible about them (actually my mum more than my dad), which annoys me, but I think it's kind of normal :(

Go back to General Forum threads, or All Forum threads