Review of Here Comes The Judge

Introduction

As DVDReviewer`s resident pervert, it fell to me to review "Here Comes The Judge", one of a new line of erotica titles by Peach DVD. Rated 18, this is an interactive title (Matron!) rather than anything with a plot. The conceit is that the viewer is stepping into the shoes of one of the owners of the notorious Spearmint Rhino Gentlemen`s Club, a lap/pole/table dancing establishment. Surprise, surprise, they`re holding auditions!

Now, lap-dancing has always struck me as being a form of mental torture. You can look, but you can`t touch, and the whole experience is not dissimilar to being a small, starving child with your snotty little nose pressed to the sweet shop window. If you do touch, the management will do worse than chase you off with a broom like the sweet shop owner. Several days in intensive care may be involved.

Anyway, back to the disc, which is a damn sight safer than frequenting the real Spearmint Rhino and a damn sight less traumatic on the wallet, I should think. You get to judge the wiggling skills (you can`t call it dancing) of eleven stunning-looking young ladies who thrust parts of their anatomy at you that you only dreamed of having thrust at you. They also take off their clothes and thrust naked parts at you. You should be aware that there are a good deal of surgically augmented bodily parts on show, but if silicone-based life-forms are your bag, good luck to you.

You can watch these wigglings from a choice of three angles, and each young lady will oblige with a close-up lap-dance selected from the menu.

Also featured is the manageress of the club, an exotic blonde lady called Dasha (who never mentions if she has sisters Danca, Pranca, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donna or Blitzen). She is also inclined to take off her clothes and if your choices of winner match hers, watch out.

Video

This is a standard tv presentation programme in 4:3. Sourced from NTSC video and converted to PAL, the colours are a bit muddy. It was shot with slightly soft focus.

Audio

Dolby Digital 5.1 it says on the box, although the soundstage has little to do but reproduce the bump-and-grind soundtrack.

Features

With all the tricks like multiple angles in the main programme, the extras consist of a bonus game (involving the spectacular Dasha), a freeze-frame photo gallery and a short behind the scenes raiding the dressing room. There are also trailers for other titles released at the same time, and a list of addresses of the Spearmint Rhino venues.

Conclusion

Your usual ultra-soft British poor-nography. Pretty young ladies shedding scant clothing and scuttling offstage just as things are getting interesting. In the US, this would only merit an R rating so you`re not going to see anything that might bring down Western civilisation. On the other hand (ahem), if you`re used to the kind of thing Granada Men&Motors puts out this might raise your temperature. Just don`t be surprised if you try to show this to the girlfriend or wife, or she finds it in your sock drawer, when she sloshes you with the wok.